Aftermath

i smiled at the thought that he still wants me to be there. he asked me to stay and i said i will. after the long conversation over the phone, i saw myself staring at the sky with my eyes wide open. my mind is fluttering with ideas and my heart wants to jump out of my chest. now i know i am happy.

it's been years since i felt the need to smile at someone i like. my previous experience hinders my capacity to appreciate the people around. i stayed out when everyone is inviting me in and i kept screaming while everyone wants me to whisper. i am in pain. and revenge for me isn't enough. i want to kill him with kindness but i am not getting any satisfaction in return. bitterness is in my veins and i am surrounded by hatred. that's how i have been living. but everything changed after i met him.

Josef (not his real name) was sitting beside me that night. i was sleepy and not minding the people around me. i can't remember how we started talking to each other and how his number landed on my list. everything was fast and blurry.

we started as strangers and eventually, we became friends. he shared everything that i could ever imagine. i almost thought of him as someone who is completely open even to a stranger. i never had any conversation like that before. though i am flabbergasted, i am liking the way we are connected. i like the way we find common things we share. i like him.

early this morning, he told me that i should stop being me when i am talking to him. i asked why. he said nothing. i asked again. he laughed. then silence followed. i guess there is something inside as to why he suddenly asked me to be different.

"kasi... konti na lang... konting konti na lang... mahuhulog na ko sayo"

i can't remember how he exactly said the words but i know i heard him right. to assure myself, i asked him again.

"ano ulit yon? hindi kita narinig"

this time it took him longer to say the words. it's like he was trying to prolong my anticipation. part of me was wishing he won't change his mind and think of a different thing to talk about.

"konti na lang, magiging sayo na ako"

i know his current situation. he is committed. and all the more that i know where i should stand and what i should be doing. hearing him say those words, i can't help but to feel happy and scared at the same time. after he said those, silence followed.

i loved to answer him back and tell him how much i love him. how much i wanted to be in his side now and be his partner in life. i wish i could hug him and assure him that i'll be around. i'll watch him sleep. i'll kiss him goodbye and kiss him again when he gets back. i wish i could do things for him.

pathetically, that's all i can do now.

... to wish.

i can't control it. i like this guy and he likes me too. but since the situation is complicated, happiness is not for us now.

it sucks.

it's never easy to do what is right. i know he needs to be away from me so he can focus and rebuild what needs to be fixed between him and his partner. i'll surely miss our kulitan and everything. but i have to be distant since he wants to be okay.

but i failed to ask him why he wants me to stay. why he told me he likes me now more than he likes his partner. why he asked me if i am ready to take him and to be his partner now.

there are lot's of unanswered questions.

to be continued...