Phone Call

note to self: never answer any of his phone calls.

but i did. i just did. and no matter how many times i tried to erase the conversation in my memory, i cant. he said hello. i didn't answer. i asked who is this. i pretended as if i can pretend that i don't know him. really. he asked me how am i doing. i said i was fine. i asked him again, but this time, my voice betrayed me. it is as if i am just making a confirmation that it is really him on the other line. he said he was sad. i asked why. he said they broke up. i asked why. he said he wants to cry. i listened. i forgot how long i listened to his sobs.

pathetic. my mind was telling me to hung up but my thumb was petrified. it can't push that fcuking end button. it's as if it had a mind of it's own. my ears went wild whenever i hear him moan to tears, his voice was music to my ears. the reason was particularly unclear, but i liked the fact that i am connected to him.

Two Cents

writers block. that is my alibi whenever i am being asked why i suddenly stopped blogging. in reality, i am not even considering myself as a writer. the true one. i don't think i can ever be called as one. yeah, i can sort some words out and put them together to create a thought but, who wants to know what i have to say? who cares with what i want to share?

you? well, maybe. i am truly honored to know that you want to listen to me. in this particularly past-paced society, you still take your precious time out just to see how non sense i can be whenever i want to say something. honestly, THANK YOU.

"barya lang po sa umaga" that is what i always hear from people who cant break your bill. at some point, i think they are expecting a little when you are giving too much. or, they get more than what they really need that is why they want just a few so they can chew it and swallow it whole.

that is when i came to realize how important two cents can be. your thoughts can make or break someone else's opinion.

i miss the unsolicited advises from random people who happen to visit my lair from time to time. people who are not emotionally attached can give the most responsible opinion about stuff. they can teach you and make use of their own experiences as reference to whatever that is you have been going through.

do i owe it to them all? yes. at some point, i guess i do. who knows, there is someone like you who appreciate people like me. who need comfort and words from someone. from a total stranger. from someone who can walk with you till you get tired. who knows right?

:)

Tweety Yellow

hindi ako mahilig sa mga sapatos na masyadong kumplikado. ayoko ng masikip at lalong ayoko nung mabigat. ayoko rin ng maraming sintas na kailangan mo higpitan at luwagan tuwing gagamitin. maarte diba?

naisipan ko bumili ng Tom's. susyal kasi. etchos. medyo magaan kasi at kumportable. sa layas na katulad ko, ayoko ng kelangan ko pa magdala ng medyas at magbitbit ng kung ano-ano. basta ready to go, ayos, lakad on the go!

syempre, dahil isa ako sa mga taong nakahiligan ang yellow ribbon round the old oak tree, naisip ko na dilaw ang kunin na kulay ng sapatos. baduy? pakelam mo? haha.

isang matiwasay na hapong paikot-ikot ako sa isang prestihiyosong mall sa makati, naisip ko na kumuha na ng sapatos. me lakad kasi ako sa linggo. ipapartner ko sa violet kong shirt at brown na shorts. o diba? kulay kakanin ako?

lapit ako sa mamang may taas na 5'9, payat, naka skinny jeans ng itim, t-shirt na may tatak na Tom's, itim din, at apron. di ko alam kung saang mantika mangagaling ang kinakatakutan nya kaya sya naka apron. uniform siguro. yaaan na natin.

ladies and gentlemen, dito nagsimula ang labanan ni Myk2ts at ng pobreng tindero.

Me: good afternoon!

Him: *smile

Me: *smile back

Him: *kindat

joke lang.

Him: yes sir?

Me: betchina ko yung Tom's na tweety yellow, meron?

Him: ano po?

Me: meron kayong available na yellow?

Him: sa Nothing But Water po meron

ang nabanggit na Nothing But Water ay isang establisyimentong tindahan ng mga swimsuit. skimpy. two piece. meron ding espadrilles. bags at kung anik-anik.

Me: ano?

Him: sa Nothing But Water po meron silang Sanuk, may dilaw po dun.

Sanuk. two points na tong mokong na ito.

Me: hindi naman Sanuk ang gusto ko, Tom's. kaya nga sayo ako nagtatanong eh.

Him: sa Nothing But Water po kasi meron silang mga dilaw na stock ng Sanuk.

gusto ko ng bigwasan tong gagong to. kanya siguro yung Store ng Nothing But Water at may share ata sya sa Sanuk kaya panay ang plugging ni gago.

Me: naririnig mo ba ako?

Him: opo

Me: nakakaintindi ka ng tagalog?

Him: *asar na opo

Me: Tom's na dilaw meron kayo? AT WAG MONG SASABIHING SA NOTHING BUT WATER AKO PUMUNTA DAHIL MAY SANUK NA DILAW DON!

ayun na, nagsilapitan na ang mga gwardiya sibil at AFP. gyera na.

Me: kanina ka pa paulit ulit, simple lang ang tanong ko, meron ba kayo o wala kung ano ano ang sinasabi mo! mali ba ang dinig mo o mahina ba yung boses ko?

Him: e kasi po sabi ng sa Nothi...

Me: SINABI NG WAG MO NA KO ITUTURO SA KINANGINANG NOTHING BUT WATER NA YAN AT PASASABUGIN KO NA TALAGA BAO NG ULO MO EH, KUNG DUN KO GUSTO PUMUNTA E DI SANA DUON NA KO DUMERETCHO AT HINDI NA KO NAKIPAG KULITAN SAYO DITO!

Supervisor na naka puti: Me problema po ba dito?

Me: ikwento mo at napakainit na ng ulo ko sayo!

kinuwento naman nya ng tama at infairness, walang dagdag-bawas.

Supervisor na nakaputi: kasi po sa Nothing But Wat..

Me: okay, anong pangalan mo?

Supervisor na nakaputi: Etchos Garbansos po, bakit po?

Me: itatanong ko sa Nothing But Water kung kilala ka ba nila kasama ng tontong tauhan mo dahil dapat ka nila bigyan ng pabuya sa walang sawa mong pagpupunyagi at pag papakilala sa kanila!

exit.

BV diba?

Aftermath

i smiled at the thought that he still wants me to be there. he asked me to stay and i said i will. after the long conversation over the phone, i saw myself staring at the sky with my eyes wide open. my mind is fluttering with ideas and my heart wants to jump out of my chest. now i know i am happy.

it's been years since i felt the need to smile at someone i like. my previous experience hinders my capacity to appreciate the people around. i stayed out when everyone is inviting me in and i kept screaming while everyone wants me to whisper. i am in pain. and revenge for me isn't enough. i want to kill him with kindness but i am not getting any satisfaction in return. bitterness is in my veins and i am surrounded by hatred. that's how i have been living. but everything changed after i met him.

Josef (not his real name) was sitting beside me that night. i was sleepy and not minding the people around me. i can't remember how we started talking to each other and how his number landed on my list. everything was fast and blurry.

we started as strangers and eventually, we became friends. he shared everything that i could ever imagine. i almost thought of him as someone who is completely open even to a stranger. i never had any conversation like that before. though i am flabbergasted, i am liking the way we are connected. i like the way we find common things we share. i like him.

early this morning, he told me that i should stop being me when i am talking to him. i asked why. he said nothing. i asked again. he laughed. then silence followed. i guess there is something inside as to why he suddenly asked me to be different.

"kasi... konti na lang... konting konti na lang... mahuhulog na ko sayo"

i can't remember how he exactly said the words but i know i heard him right. to assure myself, i asked him again.

"ano ulit yon? hindi kita narinig"

this time it took him longer to say the words. it's like he was trying to prolong my anticipation. part of me was wishing he won't change his mind and think of a different thing to talk about.

"konti na lang, magiging sayo na ako"

i know his current situation. he is committed. and all the more that i know where i should stand and what i should be doing. hearing him say those words, i can't help but to feel happy and scared at the same time. after he said those, silence followed.

i loved to answer him back and tell him how much i love him. how much i wanted to be in his side now and be his partner in life. i wish i could hug him and assure him that i'll be around. i'll watch him sleep. i'll kiss him goodbye and kiss him again when he gets back. i wish i could do things for him.

pathetically, that's all i can do now.

... to wish.

i can't control it. i like this guy and he likes me too. but since the situation is complicated, happiness is not for us now.

it sucks.

it's never easy to do what is right. i know he needs to be away from me so he can focus and rebuild what needs to be fixed between him and his partner. i'll surely miss our kulitan and everything. but i have to be distant since he wants to be okay.

but i failed to ask him why he wants me to stay. why he told me he likes me now more than he likes his partner. why he asked me if i am ready to take him and to be his partner now.

there are lot's of unanswered questions.

to be continued...

Blank

i can't think of what to say today. uhm maybe i am not used to blogging anymore and i lose all the ideas i wish to share. it's been a long time since i wrote something in here and believe me, i do miss sharing thoughts and all the stuff i have. i do feel obligated to all the readers and followers (if i have any) and to all who are just wandering around the net. they might accidentally land on my page and feel the need to see what's inside of me.

i care none about what happened to me in the past months or even years. i happen to be in a limbo full of mud and i can't take myself out. everytime i use the net, i check on this page and whenever i want to start saying or typing something, my mind goes blank. i guess i need to be like Coelho or Maxwell just so i can write things i need to write about.

with what i said earlier, i think i miss having the motivations and inspirations to write. life has been good to me and with that, i'd like to thank the absence of negativities and what not. i am going to check my sanity soon enough so i can deliver good stuff in here.

promise :)

Unfollowed.

tignan mo nga naman ang pagkakataon. parang kailan lang nung huli ko siyang makita. naalala ko pa ang damit na suot nya. kung paano siya yumuko at tumalikod at humakbang papalayo. hindi ko man nakitang mabuti ang mukha niya, narinig ko naman ang malakas na sigaw ng damdamin niya.

sa bawat minutong lumilipas mula ng tagpong iyon, wala na akong hiniling kundi ang makita siyang muli. makausap. marinig ang tinig. at alam ko na sa bawat hiling na aking sinasambit, patuloy ang paglayo ng katotohanang mangyayari ang aking minimithi.

maraming luha ang naganap na dumaloy. mga salitang masasakit at minsan ay tagos sa dibdib. maraming araw ang parang hindi kumpleto at gabing walang haplos ng liwanag mula sa buwan na marikit. malungkot ang buhay na dumaan at walang tigil ang pintig ng pusong parang pinatay dahil sa bugbog ng kalooban.

mahal ko parin siya. INAAMIN ko na hanggang sa mga oras na ito, habang isinusulat ko sa buong mundo ang nararamdaman ko, siya parin ang nilalaman ng puso ko.

pero hindi yata ako handa na makita syang muli.

dahil sa pagkakataong ito, sa bawat hakbang niya palapit sa kinalulugaran ko, pilit ko iniiwasan ang kanyang sulyap na maaring dumapo sa kinatatayuan ko.

wala akong magawa kundi ang mahilam sa luha mula sa aking mga mata. akala ko ay kaya ko ng harapin ang isang taong may malaking dahilan kung bakit ang pag-ibig ay totoo at hindi para saakin.

lumayo siya ng hindi ako napapansin. kagaya ng damdamin ko na sakanya'y walang silbi.

mabigat sa paa, ngunit kailangan kunin ang hakbang patungo sa tamang daan. sana ganoon lang kadali ang kalimutan siya. dahil kung ganoon, tatakbuhin ko itong nakapikit at hindi ako titigil pa.

Juan Ang Pangalan Ng Bagyo

nagising ako kagabi at napapalatak dahil sa mga nangaganap na pagtulo ng maliliit na butil ng tubig ulan at may kahalong alikabok mula sa aking kisame. actually sa bubong muna bago sa kisame. naknamputcha, tumutulo ang bubong. este may tagas ata. ewan. nakakainis kasi sanay lang ako sa talsik ng laway ni Efren (boss ko) at nagulat ako sa malamig na tubig na dumadampi sa aking pisngi.

sa lahat ng ayoko ay yung naiistorbo ang tulog ko. para saakin, napaka banal ng pagtulog ng isang tao. ang tanging inirerespeto ko lang kapag ginigising ako ay ang alarm clock at ang nanay ko. alarm clock dahil ito rin ang telepono ko at syempre nanay ko yun' dapat talagang irespeto :)

ngunit ano nga ba ang magagawa ko kung nagising ako ng patak ng ulan sa gabing madilim? may bagyo alam ko ito, at nananalanta ito sa sangkapuluan ng luzon. so kesa sampalin ko bawat patak ng tubig ulan at sigawan ang hangin, nag isip na lang ako ng mabuti.

eleksyon, bills, baranggay captain, RH Bill, Glee, Dreamgirls...

aha, panaginip...

dahan dahan akong pumasok sa Nike store sa High Street. wag kang mag alala at hindi ko rin alam kung bakit sa Nike store at kung bakit sa FBHS ang lokasyon. hindi ko rin alam kung bakit walang background music. siguro dahil nga sa ayaw na maging kumplikado ng panaginip ko para sa iyo.

hinanap ko raw si Jean sa manager, sabi nung manager na babae sa panaginip ko, wala daw, naka leave, then i asked His name, asa isang rack daw, may inaayos, kaya naman nag lakad ako papunta sa rack, nakita ko Siya, alam kong nakita nya rin ako pero patay-malisya sya, panakaw sya sumisilip kung nakaalis na ba ako o kung tinititigan ko parin ba Siya. aba, kahit pala sa panaginip ay iniiwasan ako ni Loko. okay sige, eexit na ko.

pero naisip ko, pati ba naman sa panaginip ko ako ang talo?

pati ba sa mundo na ako ang may control e wala akong magawa?

hindi ata pwedeng ganun...

bumalik ako, at tumalikod, alam ko na tumayo na rin sya at patungo sa direksyon ko, hindi para batiin o habulin ako pero para lalong magtago. pero sorry dahil mas maagap ako. sinalubong ko ang kanyang tingin. tingin na alangan at napipilitang ngumiti. tinignan ko siya sa mata, nginitian ko siya at alam ko na kahit sa panaginip ay nakuha nya ang gusto kong iparating...

hanggang sa tumulo ang tubig ulan saaking pisngi na mula sa kisame.

tumulo rin ang luha sa pisnging tinuluan ng tubig ulan mula sa kisame.

naglandas ang luha at nagsanib ang damdamin.

bumangon na ako at pinilit kumilos.

alam ko na kasabay ng paglisan ng Bagyo ay siyang pag alis ng kapangalan niya sa buhay ko.